May 31, 2009 at 1:20 AM | Posted in Movie Rants | Leave a comment

The fat people in WALL-E ruined the movie.

Here you had a CG animated movie that was different, supposedly realistic, with actual human humans like Fred Willard (relatively speaking), and then along come these fat fucking CG cartoon people and turn it into Chicken Run or whatever. I had the same problem with the “people” in Toy Story. The toys are realistic if you just think of the toys as looking like that. No problem. Then these fat fucking CG cartoon people pick them up and suddenly it’s not just animated toys, it’s cartoon world where the inanimate objects are more lifelike than the people. WALL-E tried to explain that people devolved (in the record-breaking short time of only 800 years) into stupid fat fucking CG cartoon people, but that was just an excuse to have stupid fat fucking awful CG cartoon people in the movie. Even if humans did devolve (in an unheard of 800 years) into stupid ugly fat fucking awful CG people, they’d at least be realistic stupid ugly fat fucking awful CG people. It would be disturbing, sure, but it was already disturbing. Better yet, don’t have any fat CG people in the movie at all.

I thought EVE was the laziest character design since nerds started making CG short films in the 80s, looking like an Apple-designed physics-raping garbage can or an oversized thumb drive that’s modelled after an actual thumb. But the shitty stupid ugly fat fucking awful evil hideous mutant freak asshole CG cartoon blimp people made EVE look like an H.R. Giger designed kitchen drawn by Geoff Darrow.

I also never understood the point of making a CG movie where you can do literally anything, and having only two locations in it. I guess the preschool-taught screenwriters are to blame for living in their tiny boxes, but it’s like writing a comic book series that takes place entirely in one corner of a hallway. Use your imagination for crap’s sake. (Sorry for the language. I should have said “Pete’s sake.”)

I cheered every time that damn cockroach (sorry, penisroach) got squashed, but it kept surviving. No, look… they’re only resistant to disease and fallout, not shoes.

Oh I could have called the movie ruined when the Star Wars ripoff music started playing when Eve showed up, not as a brief homage, but constantly, or when the movie started with the musical number they were contractually obligated to cram into the film despite no realistic way of fitting it in, but I gave them a chance.

I’m not watching another CG movie until they step it up and show something new for THE FULL RUNNING TIME. Like, how about WALL-E finds a porno that he can somehow hook up to a TV through an iPod and via a VCR and so instead of trying to hold EVE’s “hand” for the whole movie, he tries to stick his robot dick in her. He’s a retarded trash compactor, it’s just as realistic a scenario. And don’t tell me that wouldn’t work in a kids’ movie. They featured a planet of garbage, fat lazy helpless losers without even the decency to pretend they’re big-boned, and a homicidal psychotic robot with a death cannon for an arm.

But you know their neglect to call the movie “Roguebots” was their first mistake.

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