Port Land (Portal To Hell) Part 1

June 13, 2009 at 3:01 AM | Posted in Humor | Leave a comment

I got a used CD in the mail, and inside the package, it was wrapped up in some pages of newspaper. This newspaper was from some place called “Port Land,” which I’ve never heard of, but can only assume is the worst place in the world. Here are some highlights from the paper.

The rag is called the “Portland Mercury,” named apparently after the irresistible liquid metal that will kill you if you drink it. The first page is page 5. I don’t know which section this is, so I’m calling it the “We Hate Humanity” section. The first article is “One Day At A Time: The Week In Review,” named for the popular show featuring Snyder. In the first 18 words, they call someone a homophobe and someone else a pothead. Classy publication here, folks. Later they reference Hitler Youth in response to someone stating their beliefs on gay marriage, despite saying gay marriage is totally okay.

The rest of the page is almost entirely devoted to Lindsay Lohan before ending the gossip column with news of Bea Arthur’s death and the latest on the Swine Flu epidemic. Above Bea’s not-really-an obit is an article titled “Bea Arthur’s Ghost Rallies Struggling Trail Blazers,” about the Portland Trail Blazers being visited by Bea Arthur’s ghost – literally, and without a trace of irony. No, “j/k! LOL” at the end. A touching tribute.

Also on the page is a charming comic strip called “Troubletown,” about a man who likes kidnapping and torturing people. It’s supposed to be a commentary about Cheney, but in a way that I can assume only works if read by the type of person who wouldn’t read it.

The next page is page 6 (bet you didn’t expect that), which says “NEWS” at the top, but I’m dubious. Of the three “news” stories on the page, all are written by the same guy, “Matt Davis,” or as I call him, “The guy that makes up all the news.” Why the news is saved for page 6 after the gossip/editorial/bad sports joke decision page, I don’t know. All of the stories are clearly fictional, with obvious made up names like, “City Commissioner Nick Fish.”

After that comes page 43 (sorry, you could have guessed that). It’s Savage Love! And if you’ve ever read Savage Love, you don’t need to know anything else. Filling up space are ads for hot local singles, and one that reads as follows: “Need to pay your tax bill? We’ll buy your old quality adult DVDs and magazines.” Now, I’m not sure if they mean, “old and quality adult DVDs and magazines,” as if for some reason they want quality material, but won’t accept new ones, or if they prefer stuff that looks really old.

“Hey, will you buy my porn?”

“Well that all depends. Is it really grainy and splotchy and kind of musty and does it remind you of the Nixon era?”

And do they only accept quality porn? Like, no Midgets Standing Around Kitchens Occasionally Scratching Themselves And Once In A While A Nude Woman Jogs By The Sliding Glass Door #24? Cos I’ve been trying to get rid of that series for AGES. I like to call this page, “The Children’s Section.”

Page 44 is my favorite. One half of the page is dedicated to ads. Ads for things which I’ve never understood the legality of. It’s basically prostitutes. But I guess since you can only contact them by phone, they just answer with, “Hi, ARE YOU A COP? Because if you’re a cop, you have to say so!”

“Dammit! We never get anywhere with these sting operations.”

I like to imagine that during the course of a “date,” the escort will say, “ARE YOU A COP?” every couple of minutes. That must get really annoying for the patron. “No! Stop asking if I’m a cop! I just want to pay for sex!” Then BAM, the escort cuffs you. She’s a cop. D’oh!

My favorite is Lily’s Pleasure Garden, which operates out of Beaverton. Yes, Beaverton. It’s near Portland. Portland, where the sailors come. (That’s the motto on their welcome sign.) Below these is the “Transexuals/Specialties” section. Yes, they misspelled transsexuals. Wiktionary says this common misspelling can be avoided by even a primary school student. Main features are She-Male Barbie, who is “100% real” (I’ll be trying to figure that one out for the rest of my life), and Hot She-Male Emma. Wow, Portland really accomodates. (Note: Emma does not claim 100% realness.)

Sadly, the rest of the ads are the paper looking for more ads. One reads: “Are you a hot housekeeper? A sexy secretary? a naughty nurse? Let everyone know with your mercury ad!”

Come on, people! We’ve already got the she-male-Barbie and hot-she-males-named-Emma fronts covered. We’re just missing the hot-housekeeper, sexy-secretary, and naughty-nurse markets! Do NOT attempt to submit an ad if you are not a hot housekeeper, sexy secretary, or naughty nurse. I’m not kidding. No sexy nurses or naughty secretaries. Alliterative occupations only!

(See why this is my favorite page in part 2…)

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