Ballville (sic)

June 24, 2009 at 10:55 AM | Posted in TV Rants | Leave a comment

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a huge fan of testicles. But what happened to Smallville’s balls?

The show used to have a revolving door of hot chicks. Krista Allen. I can stop right there, really. KRISTA ALLEN was on the show. Looking hot. In an episode literally about hotness. And there were many others. Lately, it’s been a big sausagey meatfest. Last season, we had Tess and Maxima. But compared to Krista Allen, that’s the bottom of the barrel.

And the fiber of this meat diet isn’t all that great. They used to have some sense of good casting. Apart from John Schneider and John Glover, most of the guest stars were decent too. Even a bit-part extra, like the guy who played a hospitalized football player, had such a look that he could have played Batman in a Nolan-based series. When they actually tried to sneak Bruce Wayne into the show (but failed), they used Ian Somerhaulder, who aside from mostly whining on Lost, was a good casting choice.

When they decided to reinvent Doomsday, they turned him into a pouty hunk, the spiritual brother of Clark. But now that they’re ripping off the silver age version of Metallo (because that’s the cheapest version they can afford), they’re going with the guy most recently associated with TV robots (a better show probably would have gotten someone from BSG), instead of casting someone who would be, as in the comic, a dead ringer for Superman, but with a moustache. Suffice it to say, this teen-targeted show would never allow a moustache to make an appearance. This is evidenced enough by their clean-shaven version of Green Arrow.

And as if that wasn’t misguided enough, they’ve cast romantic lead Callum Blue as Zod. Zod, the evil version of Superman. Okay, one of many evil versions of Superman. Not a Supermanly bone in the guy’s body. Now, I’ll admit the receding hairline likens him a bit to the movie Zod, but that’s as close a connection as you could make in the realm of sense. And again, there is zero chance of allowing the new hunky male guest star any facial hair.

Last time we “saw” Zod, it was a ghostly CG version of Terence Stamp leaving Lex’s body. Correction: last time we saw Zod was actually from behind in the season finale, and he was a buff-bodied guy with close cropped hair. One would assume, identical to Davis Bloom AKA Doomsday AKA the son of Zod in this show. Callum Blue could resemble neither of these versions if he were made of Silly Putty. So they’ve sunk to sheer chick-appeal and forgone even the superficial manliness ever present in comic book physique. Now they’re going with femmey men. The kind who, despite being pure fucking evil, you could convince yourself are probably not going to hit you again. *dreamy sigh*

This is all so absurd when you consider this show’s first and ultimate villain was Lionel Luthor, who at times had a full beard, and was shall we say no spring chicken. This was when father figures meant something on the show, because the show wasn’t primarily made for imaginary fatherless girls who watch shows that run nine long years and somehow remain teenagers all the while.

I feel almost completely gay watching Smallville now. By the end of the season, I will just have to get a vaginoplasty, because the transformation will be complete. I will become the audience the producers so desperately seek. I will be watching a show purely for the hunky guys, and the ceaseless appeal of their deeply emotional sensitive sides, but will not be allowed to see the main character become the epitome of hunky guys, because he must remain perpetually a teenager despite being a 23-year-old played by a 32-year-old. I must never be allowed to think there is a real world of grownups anywhere; that a Jonas Brothers-free existence is even possible. In fact all adults must be completely phased out of the show. There shall not even be adult victims to save (hypothetically, if the show were about someone saving people).

Where did your balls go, Smallville? You can’t even keep the hunky guys you write into the show, because you don’t know how to write. You had to kill off Jimmy Olsen because he wasn’t hunky enough. Yet, you can never become a true soap opera, because there are no adults from which can spring babies, and keep the show on for generations. If the same characters are on this show 20 years from now, acting under 20, you look like retarded monkeybabies who think the only use for vaginas is to make them tingle around the Nielsen box.

You MIGHT think it’s UBER-manly to put Doomsday, Metallo and Zod onto the show, but you’d be wrong. Making Doomsday into the emo version of Bruce Banner is not manly. Promising Metallo knowing you can’t even afford a fraction of the budget that Terminator had is not manly. Casting Zod to be another jet-setting playboy who enjoys fast cars, is not manly. Oh James Bond is manly, but if you take away the spy stuff and only watch him bed women, you’re watching softcore porn for ladies. Then if you take away the bedding, you’ve just got the world’s worst soap opera character.

Once upon a time when I had a girlfriend, she made me watch The Days of Our Lives. That show had someone living on a desert island with amnesia, and people exploding in cars and doorways. Smallville once had Lex living on a desert island with amnesia, followed last season by flashbacks to Ollie and Tess living on a desert island. Chloe was blown up in a doorway, Lana was blown up in a car, and Lex got blown up in a truck. There’s no doubt this show wants to be a soap opera. Problem is, there’s no soap opera fanbase for it, and less and less appeal for anybody who actually likes the subject material. It IS basically as if they had made a James Bond show, slowly turned it into a soap opera, and gently phased out the spy stuff until it was Dawson’s Creek. EXACTLY what we all feared the show might be in 2001. Dreams come true, and so do nightmares.

The Superman stuff gets phased out the longer that the Kents are not on the show, Jor-El is absent, Lex is dead, Lana “Superboy Comics” Lang is gone, Perry White is MIA, Jimmy Olsen is about 8 years old, Krypto is a powerless pet, dead from neglect, Doomsday leaves a path of broken hearts instead of destruction, and Lex is succeeded by his female version, who’s just bitchy instead of evil. And now the entire fanbase is a bunch of dainty ladies, eagerly awaiting the posh, fancy, cute romantic lead version of Zod, whereas were we still of a sound mind, we’d prefer even Dean fucking Cain. Hell, at this point, watching Lois & Clark sounds less womanly than watching this show. And that was created by a woman, for women, with the woman’s name before the hero’s.

Smallville, get your balls back. And while you’re at it, give mine back as well. I might want to have kids some day, just so I can teach them not to watch shows like this, even if they’re great for the first three seasons.

*eagerly awaiting the new season of Smallville while I iron my sundress*


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