February 22, 2010 at 5:34 AM | Posted in Brain Crack | Leave a comment

They should make microwaves that don’t stop rotating until your mug handle is facing towards the door.

It’s simple. There’s already a mechanism that does nothing but rotate things. All you have to do is set it up so that it remembers its initial position, and then when you open the door, it rotates back to that position. Assuming quite naturally that you put anything with a handle into the microwave with the handle facing towards you, it’s now facing towards you again. This way, you don’t have to reach around a hot mug to rotate the handle while trying not to burn yourself.

Also, there should be a different colored light when you open the door, because the light when the oven is turned on is subliminally linked to “deadly radiation.”

Break-Up Button

October 16, 2009 at 4:08 PM | Posted in Brain Crack | Leave a comment

I had this idea for websites like MySpace, Facebook, or whatever… called a break-up button. See, when someone drops out of your life without warning and decides they’re not going to speak to you anymore, and blocks you on every site they use, and you can’t defend yourself or say your peace or say goodbye or anything, you hit the break-up button. And you get one message to say whatever you need to say to the person before they leave you stranded forever. And it stays at the top of their inbox and they can’t delete it, for like… a month or something. So you can tell them you think it’s bullshit that they would ignore you like this, promise them flowers, or whatever. Because ignoring someone completely is the worst thing you can do, and it’s way too easy over the internet. Those who do it have probably never had it done to them by anyone they care about. And everybody deserves a last word.

So I’d like to use my break-up button for my popularity, which has been ignoring me lately. Popularity, you don’t know what you’re missing. We could have had a good thing. But no, you decided to go with Balloon Boy instead. I hope you feel really bad about it, because you know what? I haven’t done WAY more interesting things than that kid hasn’t done. But you will never know that. And I don’t care, because if Balloon Boy is what you want, then you were never as great as you seemed anyway. I hope you’re very happy together. Don’t bother crawling back to me any time soon, because I’m going out with Apathy now, and she never lets me down.

Time To Upgrade and Downsize

April 16, 2009 at 2:43 AM | Posted in Brain Crack | Leave a comment

We need to stop making CDs. Artists need to release their music on flash drives. Why? Because I said so. They’re fun. They have tiny LEDs in them. The things are getting cheaper and cheaper to produce. It’s substantially less plastic to manufacture. They are their own packaging, like soda cans. They can be customized into awesome shapes. Players for them would be cheaper than CD systems. They can already automatically be in MP3 format with no need to convert. They can contain surround or higher than CD quality audio. They can feature extras. They can hold an almost limitless amount of tracks. They could contain entire boxed sets, upping sales and decreasing material costs. They take up very little shelf space. They don’t get scratched or worn out. Most importantly, you can fit 30 standard flash drives in the same space that 2 regular CD jewel cases take up. 30 albums, people.

[Read More → “But I don’t really know what I’m talking about…”]

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