Superman: Rant of Steel

March 11, 2010 at 4:45 AM | Posted in Movie Rants | 2 Comments

Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer have officially announced (unofficially) that they are working on the next Superman film. Both will be writing the story at least. Nolan’s vague mentor status wasn’t mentioned in the article, and is still unclear.

I’m not going to complain too much about making Superman dark, as this is jumping to a speculative conclusion at this point. That’s not really the main issue.

[Read More → “The main issue…”]

You will believe a nerd can type

September 11, 2009 at 9:28 AM | Posted in Movie Rants | Leave a comment

Finally finished the Superman blah blah boxed set. Well okay, I didn’t listen to the music-only track because I’ve heard the soundtrack. I didn’t listen to the addition music cues, same thing. I didn’t watch the Bugs Bunny cartoons or Superpup or the 50th anniversary or the Mythology of Superman, but those all suck. I didn’t watch the Christopher Reeve tribute because it’s depressing. He was in a trilogy of cable westerns, but nobody ever talks about it. I only know because I worked at Blockbuster for two months. The Mythology of Superman really isn’t about Superman, it’s about the mythology that either inspired or is similar to Superman. They should have included The Science of Superman TV special. That’s amazing. They talk about gravitons and solar energy and how his powers could work and be possible and compare him to bugs. Mythology, yawn.

Overall I’m a little disappointed there’s so much about the movies I don’t know. Like how the hell they did the credits. Now it’s all computers, but I want to know how they did it originally. I still want to see the 134 minute original cut of Superman IV, for better or worse. There are supposedly still scenes shown in TV versions of Superman II and Superman III not included here. Why? Why the inexplicable clip of Non throwing a police light at a kid on a horse in one of the documentaries? And, apply application analogy here, there’s no commentary on Superman Returns. Okay, yes, everybody involved was probably busier than the writer of Superman IV, but it literally takes two hours to record. Put forth a little effort. Also, apologize for the movie being awful.

Incidentally, for the first time in my life, I want a Blu-Ray player. I know it has a stupid name and is overpriced and I don’t have a high def or even a particularly good TV. But the various misty, foggy or underwater scenes on all these DVDs show really insidious MPEG-2 compression artifacts, and it’s unacceptable. I’ve never noticed this before. I’ve often championed how good DVDs look. But I guess I was wrong. They don’t always, but can often, look as bad as satellite TV broadcasts. I definately don’t want to rebuy all my DVDs, but I also don’t want to watch Superman drowning in a sea of big digital squares and rectangles. There’s fucking rectangles near Marlon Brando’s head! You don’t put fucking rectangles near Marlon Brando’s head, motherfucker!

Anyway, I think I can fly, so I’m going to go jump off the roof. I’m kidding. I’m going to jump off a cliff. Much easier. Yes, there is one nearby.

Toy Whorey/Borey/Snorey, etc.

June 27, 2009 at 1:43 AM | Posted in Movie Rants | 1 Comment

Why are they making another Toy Story? Why are we putting up with it? Todays cartoons have twisted, shallow morals, or none at all. What was the moral of WALL-E? Sure, there were environmental themes, but they used a perverted Spielberg logic that the Earth will just heal itself. No! No, it won’t! That’s not a moral! At no point did they say, “Hey, you should probably not fill the planet with GARBAGE.” That’s a moral. Instead, it was a cheap love story.

Toy Story is just Pinocchio, but dumbed down for a mass-market, who buys mass-market toys. The kids, who naturally have one of each toy, are allowed to think their toys are alive and magical, but for no reason. There’s no logic to it. Why are ALL toys alive? That’s a lesser story than Pinocchio. What happens if you have duplicate Buzz Lightyears? I don’t mean the old version vs. the newer version. I mean the exact same toy. Do they fight over who is more real? Do they have the exact same soul? Why don’t they all try to escape their boxes as soon as the toy store is empty? Why don’t they rise up and kill us all?

While there might be some deeply buried analogy to kids or people needing a purpose, or getting along with others, it’s really just about toys doing things that only concern Satanically animate toys. The problem is that none of the toys are unique. There are millions of Buzzes and hundreds of Woodys (I fail to see how a modern kid has a rare 50s toy when even a toy store owner can’t find one, but I digress). It’s only Sid’s mutant toys that are unique. The rest are mass produced. If they’re alive, their lives are virtually worthless. Imagine having to tell a kid that he’s not important because there are literally millions of other kids with his exact personality, thoughts and SOUL. Far from telling Bible stories, they ignore these problems and give you a narrow world view with a cheap message. That message: dogs are better than you.

Strangely, there is no Dog Story movie. Every dog movie they make, the dogs have special powers, because Disney and its followers are done with all the normal films they’re ever going to make. I suppose eventually there will be an AIBO robo-dog movie (or Tekno or whatever those things were called). And then we’re right back to the same damn problem.

WALL-E Is A CARTOON???

May 31, 2009 at 1:20 AM | Posted in Movie Rants | Leave a comment

The fat people in WALL-E ruined the movie.

Here you had a CG animated movie that was different, supposedly realistic, with actual human humans like Fred Willard (relatively speaking), and then along come these fat fucking CG cartoon people and turn it into Chicken Run or whatever. I had the same problem with the “people” in Toy Story. The toys are realistic if you just think of the toys as looking like that. No problem. Then these fat fucking CG cartoon people pick them up and suddenly it’s not just animated toys, it’s cartoon world where the inanimate objects are more lifelike than the people. WALL-E tried to explain that people devolved (in the record-breaking short time of only 800 years) into stupid fat fucking CG cartoon people, but that was just an excuse to have stupid fat fucking awful CG cartoon people in the movie. Even if humans did devolve (in an unheard of 800 years) into stupid ugly fat fucking awful CG people, they’d at least be realistic stupid ugly fat fucking awful CG people. It would be disturbing, sure, but it was already disturbing. Better yet, don’t have any fat CG people in the movie at all.

[Read More → “And another few things!…”]

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