February 22, 2010 at 9:28 AM | Posted in [Random Nonsense] | Leave a comment

Hooray! I’m caught up on DVD reviews! And by that, I mean I actually have seven DVDs I haven’t even watched yet. But I no longer have any half-written reviews to finish. Next up: I don’t know.

DVD Review #23: The Mist (Two-Disc Collector’s Edition) (2007)

February 22, 2010 at 8:02 AM | Posted in Based on a Book, DVD Reviews, Horror | Leave a comment

It’s not revenge… it’s nourishment.

Movie:
I don’t know what makes a great horror movie, because I don’t know what “great horror” is. I don’t get scared by horror movies. I did get annoyed by Blair Witch. I get bored by bad movies. But I get excited by good ones. I know what makes a great Stephen King adaptation. So I know this is a great Stephen King horror movie.

[Read More → “…the best horror film since John Carpenter’s remake of The Thing.”]

Wizard Rock EP

February 22, 2010 at 5:58 AM | Posted in Music | Leave a comment

Did I really forget to mention this? Was it supposed to be a secret? If so, I forgot.

I’m working on a wizard rock EP. Actually working on it. For real. It has a cover and a changing track listing. It might NOT be an EP. It might be an album if I write any more songs for it. It just depends on the final running time.

The reason is that I can probably sell a wizard rock EP. I probably can’t sell a Trock EP. If I can sell enough wizard rock EPs, maybe I can sell a Trock EP. But if not, I will killing curse myself anyway, so nothing further would matter.

I don’t think I should say any more about it. OBLIVIATE!

Microtate-o-wave

February 22, 2010 at 5:34 AM | Posted in Brain Crack | Leave a comment

They should make microwaves that don’t stop rotating until your mug handle is facing towards the door.

It’s simple. There’s already a mechanism that does nothing but rotate things. All you have to do is set it up so that it remembers its initial position, and then when you open the door, it rotates back to that position. Assuming quite naturally that you put anything with a handle into the microwave with the handle facing towards you, it’s now facing towards you again. This way, you don’t have to reach around a hot mug to rotate the handle while trying not to burn yourself.

Also, there should be a different colored light when you open the door, because the light when the oven is turned on is subliminally linked to “deadly radiation.”

DVD Review #22: Reno 911!: Miami (2007)

February 21, 2010 at 9:03 AM | Posted in Based on TV Series, Comedy, DVD Reviews | Leave a comment

Movie:
Here’s the deal with this movie: I like it. So screw you if you don’t.

[Read More → “It’s silly, but it’s funny.”]

DVD Review #21: Jumper (Special Edition) (2008)

February 21, 2010 at 4:04 AM | Posted in Action, Based on a Book, DVD Reviews, Franchise Film, Sci-Fi | 1 Comment

“Nobody cuts off this Jedi’s motherf*cking hand!”

Movie:
This is the kind of movie I wish existed, but usually doesn’t. A movie that doesn’t just go back and forth between three sets, or stay in one city we’ve seen a million times. It’s a film that’s literally all over the map. It’s an experience, not just a feature-length lie.

[Read More → “This is a wish fulfillment movie with more bells and whistles than much bigger productions…”]

DVD Review #20: Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (The Power Cosmic Edition) (2007)

February 20, 2010 at 8:40 AM | Posted in Based on a Comic, DVD Reviews, Franchise Film | 1 Comment

Fire boobs.

Movie:
Rise of the Silver Surfer is a delightful romantic comedy about a wedding that gets gate-crashed by a New York street performer who dresses up as a robot. Actually, this movie is not that bad. It’s shorter than the previous, which is a good thing. There aren’t as many jokes. It’s a little darker. It looks slightly better. It has an actual story. The effects are better. There’s less time spent on arguing characters and setup. It has a title sequence. It’s less of a comedy and more of a comic book movie.

[Read More → “If you didn’t like the movie, this edition won’t make you like it any more.”]

DVD Review #19: Reservoir Dogs (10th Anniversary Special Edition) (1992)

February 18, 2010 at 1:14 PM | Posted in Drama, DVD Reviews | Leave a comment

A movie good enough to reference The Silver Surfer.

Movie:
I really can’t review Reservoir Dogs. Especially not after listening to so many people talk about the movie on the DVD. I’d sound like a chattering monkey. Chatter chatter… chatter. I couldn’t possibly add anything. I can’t analyze the freakin’ movie. I can’t review good movies, especially with nothing to compare them to. All I can say is, “Wow.”

[Read More → “…I’m not feeling like this version is the most worthwhile.”]

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